I lost control yesterday.
Even though I consider myself to be one of the most self-controlled people anywhere, a sequence of events yesterday pushed me to the breaking point. I lost it and yelled, or screamed. And I said hurtful things.
Was my anger justified? Yes.
Was my reaction appropriate? No.
Today I remain angry and frustrated about the same things that led to my temporary insanity. But I'm also frustrated with myself for losing control. Screaming at someone is no way to change what they are doing; in fact, it probably is more damaging to any chance of getting your real message across.
There have been times on occasion where I've wanted to escape. To leave. To start over. To abandon this life with all of its problems and pressures and hardships, change my identity, and search for happiness somewhere else. But I know that's just an illusion. My life is what it is, I chose a path a very long time ago and must see it through to the end. The path was the easy one all those years ago, but has led to a place that is dark, disappointing, and nearly hopeless.
When I reach these stages, all I can do is make the best of things by getting up every morning and going to work and fighting my way through. Am I getting bogged down in the negatives and failing to recognize my blessings? Is God punishing me? Are there better days ahead, or am I even capable of making the days ahead better? I fear it's all my fault, that I've created this mess and have to take responsibility for cleaning it up myself.
That's enough of this dreariness. I'll post again when I feel better.
2 comments:
yes, i win! i've converted you to my style of blogging.
how many times just today did i consider getting up, walking out, and driving somewhere far away? mmm...
the trick, i think, is to recognize the nobility in your own suffering. it's sort of an ethan frome thing.
either that or get a hobby... i find video games very soothing. i'll let you try guild wars sometime.
Video games. You recommend video games? (not critizing video games, i enjoy them too) but burrying yourself in an alternate reality as a way of dealing with the hardships of actual life isn't very good for you. why don't you try to find the things that are causing you to be unhappy, ie your job, situation, etc and try to change what you can to make yourself happy. And if you can't completely change them, the do subtle things that bring you happiness in the are of what upsets you. Put a fish on your desk. Buy a flower. (okay these things work for me, probably not for you) But still....Happiness is all around you. It's sunny, that's happy.....(I think Texas has changed me more than I know).
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