Harmless Secrets

Went to the doc today for the first time in years because I've been ill with what seems like a cold for over a week and haven't had more than 4-5 hours of sleep since Sunday. I'm surprised I'm functioning as well as I am under the circumstances, and I worked 10-hour days right on through the illness. But the doctor visit was bad news. I've suspected what is now confirmed; I'm killing myself slowly with bad habits, and if I don't get serious about some changes the misery might only get worse. Time to say a tearful goodbye to my favorite bad habits.

Anyway, I don't have any real big outrages gnawing at me today, so I thought just for fun I would post some harmless secrets about myself. These are secrets that might make me look a little stupid but are otherwise harmless, and I'm at the stage where it doesn't matter much if people want to laugh at me. So here goes.

I actually like watching American Idol. Well, this year, anyway. Last year I thought there wasn't a single contestant who deserved to be there. But I really like this group. And the final two should be Bo and Carrie, with Carrie taking it all. Bo's unique and will be a star, and Carrie's awesome.

I actually enjoyed the Disco years in the 70's. I know people make fun of those times and the stupid looking clothing of the era, but I actually had a lot of fun back then. I even still enjoy hearing a Barry Manilow song now and then. But the one thing I never did like was the leisure suit - good riddance on that bad idea.

I thought I was a Democrat until I entered the working world. Dad was one, and virtually all my teachers and professors were, so the only Republican I ever knew growing up was my mother. And I just thought it was funny how mom & dad make sure to cancel out each others' votes every election day. Later, as a working stiff, I found out that Jimmy Carter was an absolute idiot, unbelievably naive and unable to effectively manage Iran, the energy crisis, and our country's crashing economy. He's the poster child for what happens when the Democrats control everything. So I became a Republican when I voted for Ronald Reagan. Worked out pretty well for me, and as far as I can tell for the rest of the country and the world as well. Now it seems like the Democrats have become the Socialist/Communist party and the Republicans have become just like the Democrats were in the 60's. Very sad.

I'm a converted Catholic, even though the rest of the male members of my extended family are pastors in the Brethren Church. What I've mostly learned is that different Christian sects are too hung up on their differences during a time when the entire religion is under attack from secular and Islamic interests. I've learned that Catholics and Brethren, for example, have far more theology in common than in conflict. There's also a lot of misunderstanding on both sides about what the others' beliefs really mean. Christians in general should stop arguing about who's going to heaven and hell and focus more on our common faith, or I foresee the real Christian faith and values being removed from our culture entirely.

I once took a long walk off a short pier. Yes, dumb ol' me during a lake vacation walked out to the lakefront early in the morning to enjoy the sunrise. I strolled out onto the pier and lost track of how far I had walked before stepping down ... to a nice cold dunking in the lake.

When I was, hmm, in college maybe (?), my parents discovered an unopened six-pack of beer hidden in the basement. They wondered for years where it came from, how long it had been there, etc. OK, time to come clean. I put it there. When I was still in High School or maybe just graduated, a friend had asked me to buy him a six pack of 3.2 beer when I was making a trip to Ohio. (At that time, 3.2 reduced-alcohol beer was available to kids between 18-21.) So I did, and when I got home, I hid the beer in the basement and called the friend to come and get it. Well, he never came over to get it, and I completely forgot it was there. So now you have it - the mystery of the six-pack solved.

In Jr. High, I raced a friend, Tim, back to the school entrance door at the end of our lunch period. I think I just edged him at the finish, but he would probably remember it the other way around. Anyway, the entry door had reinforced glass panels on either side, and I arrived at the one on the right at the end of a full sprint. Bracing myself on the frame with my hands, my momentum brought my right knee up into the glass, which promptly and spectacularly shattered. I was amazed first that I was able to shatter the reinforced glass - you know, the kind that you can see the honeycombed pattern of wire running through. But also I was amazed that it broke with seemingly very little force and my knee wasn't bruised or cut at all. Also amazed was the assistant principle who observed the whole thing. Then for the final amazing event, I received no punishment other than an admonishment to "slow down" next time.

In High School, the Assistant Principal (not the same as the Jr. High guy of course) pulled me out of an English class and walked me to the office. I was a little bit concerned, but mostly just curious about why they would want me in the office. It wasn't long before I found out the purpose of the trip - I was accused of destroying school property. The high school was getting old, and showing its age. It was overdue for some major renovation and remodeling, with old creaky stairs and banisters and drafty, dry-rotted windows. Anyway, someone had been trying to show off his strength by shaking loose the banister at the top of the third floor stairwell, which broke off and fell all the way to the first floor. And a rumor had gone back to the office that the perpetrator was me.

Well, I immediately understood what had happened. And even though I wasn't sure, I had a pretty good idea already of the identity of the actual culprit. It fit very well that he and his friends would consider it highly comical to hang the offense on a model student like myself, who had never come close to trouble in school (at least never been caught). But I just truthfully told the Assistant Principal his account was the first I had heard of the incident, and I not only was not responsible, but was nowhere near that stairwell at the time. He gave me a lecture anyway about destroying school property and endangering other students, but sent me back to class with some obvious disappointment that he had not extracted the confession he hoped for. Oh, and before school let out that day, I had confirmed that the person I suspected was indeed the one responsible. But of course, it's bad form in High School to report on someone, so I kept it to myself. Dad came home that evening and questioned me about it, as he received a call during the day. I appreciated very much that he completely accepted my response and did not show the slightest indication of anything but complete belief in my innocence.

There are plenty more harmless secrets, but I need to get some work done so that's it for today. I hope anyone stumbling on these stories found them somewhat entertaining, and permission is granted to have your laughs at my expense.