Sound Bytes

Your typical evening newscast these days:

"This is the CBS Evening News with Bob Scheifer. Our lead story today, a chicken was struck and killed on a county road near President Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch. For more on the story, we go to our reporters on the site in Crawford."

Reporter: "Thanks Bob. We have interviewed several leading citizens about this terrible incident, and here's what they had to say."

Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
"The evidence is clear that the chicken crossed the road seeking relief from the hot sun, further proof that we continue to lose our planet to the ravages of global warming while our president and his administration stand idly by and refuse to implement the Kyoto Protocol."

Al Sharpton
This incident is an insult to the poor and oppressed black people, who represent a significant percentage of chicken farmers in the US. This president does not care about black people or chickens!

Al Gore
As you know, the chicken was brutally killed in a hit-and-run incident by an SUV. Huge, unsafe, polluting vehicles such as these are doing irreparable harm to endangered chickens everywhere. True to form, the Bush administration continues to ignore the great harm to society being perpetrated every day by these massive, gas-guzzling, chicken-flattening monstrosities.

Howard Dean
This just illustrates further the fact that the president could care less about the little guy, or Chicken Little. Our country needs to rise up and be heard to stop the tyranny of this out-of-control president.

Jesse Jackson
This terrible incident could have been avoided had there been more programs available to help the poor black farmer who owned this chicken. President Bush's tax cuts for the rich eliminated federal assistance could have allowed him the funds necessary to build a decent chicken coop in which the unfortunate chicken would have been happy to stay, rather than seeking a better life across the road.

John Kerry
What an appalling lack of leadership shown by this president in not proactively resolving the problems that led to this tragic chicken death. If I were president, I would proclaim a Chicken's Bill of Rights immediately to allocate 100 billion dollars to insure that all chickens will always have the right to health and safety everywhere in our great country.

Hillary Clinton
The arrogance and incompetence of this administration is once again illustrated for all to see in this tragic killing of an innocent chicken, only miles from the president's own Texas ranch. I will call on the Senate to immediately enact legislation to create a Department of Chicken Security, which will be responsible for oversight relating to all chicken affairs, in order to make this country once again safe for chickens.

Bill Clinton
Well, you know, nothing like this ever happened on my watch. When I was president, we took very seriously the rights and safety of our country's chickens. It is disappointing to see that this administration is so distracted with other matters that they cannot focus on the country's basic domestic chicken needs.

Patricia Ireland
This chicken was an abused and exploited egg layer, destined for a life of misery under the patriarchal white male dominated system under which women are demeaned and abused every day. This poor chicken was merely trying to stretch her wings and escape to a better life, before being flattened on the road by a MAN driving an SUV!

Cindy Sheehan
President Bush, when will the killing stop? How many more innocent lives will you snuff out before you wake up and stop these evil and illegal policies? People of America, wake up! We need to take our country back from the criminal Bush immediately for all of our sons and daughters and chickens!

President Bush
My heart goes out to the family and friends of this chicken, which was so tragically killed down the road from here. I have ordered an immediate investigation into the cause of this tragic accident, and assure all Americans that we will act on the results of this investigation to make sure chickens are safe and secure in our great country.

Reporter: "Back to you, Bob"

Bob (not realizing he was on the air yet, reacting to Bush's comments.) "He's so full of sh.... - Oh, welcome back. Tune in later this evening for 60 Minutes II, where Dan Rather investigates: "Is Bush really an in-bred redneck, or is he merely a product of an abusive childhood?"

"Bob Schiefer, CBS News, good evening."

Later that evening, near Crawford Texas, a lone reporter (not from a major network) approaches the chicken farmer who is scooping up his dead chicken from the road and into a trash bag.

"Sir, what is your take on the events of today?"

The farmer: "S@#$ happens."