All the Wrong Reasons

Today I decided to write about a subject that covers so many bad marital decisions I happen to have had either direct or indirect knowledge of over the years. Most stories are quite sad, but it occurred to me that they might be useful as a cautionary tale for anyone who might not be married or are thinking about getting married someday soon.

Story One: The thief.
There was a retired teacher who tragically lost his wife to cancer. As he worked through the grief and loneliness of his loss, an attractive young woman came into his life. She seemed enamored of him and understanding of the grief he was experiencing. She made him feel young again. After a brief courtship, they married.
Unfortunately, only a couple of months after the wedding our retiree returned home from a trip to the store to find his new bride gone, along with all of his household valuables. To his disbelief, he also soon discovered that his bank accounts were emptied and his CD's and other liquid investments had been cashed in.
His retirement savings were decimated by a young woman who preyed on his grief and loneliness. There should be serious prison time for anyone who would do this to someone.

Story Two: The Loyal Wife.
There actually have been several versions of this story that I've witnessed over time. What they all have in common is this: Guy and girl date, maybe in high school or college or both. Guy likes girl OK, but isn't really interested in a permanent relationship. Girl, however, is focused on making guy her husband.
He tries to get away from time to time, believing he has broken off the relationship. But somehow he always seems to find that she is back. Maybe he feels guilt for "stringing her along" all that time. Maybe he just wants to spare her feelings. But in a weak moment, he finds himself agreeing to marry her. In some cases it's a shotgun wedding, where she succeeds in making a baby with him to seal the deal. Or perhaps there's an abortion that makes him feel terribly guilty and obligated to try making things right by marrying her.
Interestingly, this situation doesn't always end badly. But it often does. When the couple remains together, I often wonder whether he continues to resent her or has learned to accept and love her somehow.

Story Three: Blind Sided
Strangely, every case I've encountered with this scenario seems to happen to the man. Not that men don't step out on their wives, and I certainly have known of those circumstances, but only the men seem to be totally and completely blind-sided by the unexpected end to his marriage.
I've actually seen some cases of women running away with young guys they met on the internet. In the situations I've known based on the poor cuckold's stories, she in each case has planned her escape for months or even a year with her spouse clueless that there's anything at all out of the ordinary going on. She plans everything so well that she's taken almost everything he has through the legal system to her new life with the young stud before her grieving and depressed spouse even has time to consult his own lawyer. The saddest part of these stories is when the wayward wife builds a new house for herself and her young plaything, buys him a new sportscar, and hauls her ex back into court demanding more money to replace all she spent. And the courts, morally blind as they are today, even give her custody of the children despite the destructive behavior with her shack-up.

Story Four: The Shotgun
This remains common, although not as common as it was in previous generations because the stigma of illegitimacy and availability of abortion have greatly reduced it's practice. But there are plenty of examples that probably everyone has some contact with. Shotguns are not necessarily doomed, but do seem to have an extremely high divorce rate. The sad fact is that young kids are encouraged by the permissive society, especially through movies and television, to become sexually active at a young age. Because in the movies such behavior is never depicted to have consequences. The biggest victims are the children.

Story Five: The Military
Members of the military too often marry for the wrong reasons. They can acquire better housing and benefits from the military if they are married. And nobody wants to go off to war without a girl back home to care about whether he comes back. Who can face the "Dear John" letter sitting in the Green Zone in Baghdad, so if there's a wife back home it just seems safer.
Soldiers end up making horrible snap decisions to marry women who are crazy, unfaithful, needy, nags, and all sorts of undesirable things just because time is short.

Story Six: The Party Girl (or Guy)
What happens when a party girl marries a stay-at-home guy (or vice-versa)? Nothing good. The guy finds the girl attractive who seems so full of life and fun, who seems to know everybody and has such great social skills. But he's never been much for parties, and finds the nightclub scene a drag. It's no surprise when he finds himself dumped shortly after his wife discovers he's this boring homebody who doesn't want to go clubbing with her every night because he has a challenging job and needs his sleep or just isn't into the scene. So she just resumes her previous single life habits, much to his consternation, and before long she finds a new party animal guy and divorces her boring husband, bragging to her friends about how much money she took from him in the process.

Story Seven: Great Expectations
Here's the biggest mistake made by couples entering into marriage. Great expectations. She expects him to be a high wage earner who still has time to help out with housework, raise the kids, take her to dinner every week, do little projects around the house and in his workshop, court her every night just like he did when they were dating, etc.
He just wants a woman at home to help him recover from the hard day at work and not bother him with her petty housework and child behavior problems. He wants to go out with his buddies now and the without getting read the riot act from the wife. He wants to be able to watch the NFL game on Sunday afternoon without having his wife sulking in the next room because he didn't want to take her to the arts fair.
So many marriages could be saved if only both parties could recognize and plan for how their partnership will work before they walk down the aisle. Both have to recognize they have to share in the household chores, but also share in the fun and games. And they must figure out how to give each some of what they want and like without making the other feel slighted.

Not that I'm some sort of expert or anything.

I Am ...

I've noticed how narrowly people seem to identify themselves lately, with their fill-in-the-blank answer to "I Am ______________".

The blank is filled by people with whatever is most prominent in their life.

"I am a teacher/doctor/engineer/business owner/..." means that the individual is most closely identified and absorbed by their profession.

"I am gay" is very sad, because the only identity this person seems to have is based on their sexual behavior. To me, it's as silly as saying "I am a serial adulterer" (or in today's parlance I understand the word may be "player")

"I am a husband/wife" means that the individual is focused mostly on their relationship with their spouse.

"I am a father/mother" indicates a primary focus on the family and being a good parent.

"I am a Christian/Catholic/Jew/Islamist/Buddist/Spiritual person/..." means that the individual is most closely identified with their chosen religion.

"I am a carpenter/model builder/handyman/..." when not representing the individual's actual profession, indicates a close association with one's hobbies and avocation.

"I am a baseball/basketball/football/soccer/... player" indicates that the individual is focused on their chosen athletic endeavors.

"I am black/asian/hispanic/..." indicates that race is the most important factor in self-identification.

"I am a (insert team name) Fan" indicates an obsession with the individual's favorite sports team.

For me, it seems unfair to require me to pigeonhole myself into any single statement of who I am. I am many things - Christian/Catholic, Husband/Father, businessperson, Child Advocate, consultant, computer software expert, singer, somewhat a history buff, sometime athlete, sports fan, traveler, reader, political observer and sometime commentator, salesperson, accountant, son, brother, neighbor. And I'm sure I left out some things.

For myself, how about this: "I am just a guy trying to live my life, seek God and Truth, and be the best man I can be while hopefully having a little fun along the way".

Merry Christmas a Day Late

The past week was wild. But mostly pretty good. And this Christmas was better than average, I'd have to say, although I really felt the loss in realizing that there will be no Christmas with my mom. Things will never be the same, and I find myself missing the old family traditions.

But it's been very nice to have the boys home. It seems like it's been a long time already, maybe because they're changing so fast.

Chris and I were talking about the fact that this is his 14th Christmas, and I asked him how many of them he actually remembers. He seems to remember most of them. For me, let's just say I've seen so many Christmases by this point that they all sort of blend together. But there are plenty of great memories through all those years.

I think maybe that's the important thing to realize about the Christmas holiday as a parent. From here on my focus will be on making each Christmas memorable in some positive way. That doesn't necessarily require spending a lot of money on gifts, but rather making memories based on shared experiences. Our trip to Conseco Fieldhouse for the IU/Butler basketball game followed by a nice dinner is an example, which I think could even be improved upon next year.

Giving thought for next year's memory-making starts today.

Keeping Things Interesting

For me, at least, this weekend was very interesting.

You had the fantastic news of the amazingly successful election in Iraq alongside lots of stories pushed by the President and his supporters about how things there really aren't as bad as opponents want to paint them. Even though people like me who actually pay attention have known for some time that things have been progressing reasonably well there, the rest of the country that only catches the Nightly News now and then only hears the continuous criticism and Bush-bashing.

So this apparently gets the Dems and their friends at the NY Times down a bit, so here we go - time to call Bush a criminal again. They made public a classified story to the effect that for a brief time after 9/11, Bush authorized wiretaps and surveillance of suspected terrorists and their sympathizers in the US without obtaining a court order.

For me, that's not the real story. The real story that of course nobody in the so-called "mainstream media" will tell is that someone in the very small group of administration and congressional leadership (Republicans and Democrats, mind you) leaked this information to the Times. Which is, ahem, a felony. The leak was so obviously politically motivated that it seems like it wouldn't take too long to find the leaker - just check out the Democrat congresspersons who were briefed on the temporary policy, and you'll probably find your criminal rather quickly.

That Bush did what he did doesn't bother me in the slightest. Applying simple logic and reasoning to the situation, it's very easy to come up with the reasons - he felt it was necessary to protect the country. Also, it's been reported that those surveillance activities actually saved us from attacks that were being planned after 9/11. And whether it was lawful or not, no innocent party was harmed or abused in the process. Finally, a scandal generally requires that the perpetrator is acting for personal or political gain - in this case, everything was done above-board, with full disclosure to the proper judges and congressional leaders, and obviously completely with the safety of Americans at heart. Stupid people in Washington are calling for an investigation - unless you're going to investigate who leaked the story, I say drop it and move on to more important matters.

Anyway, we also saw the Colts lose their first game. It was sad, but predictable. I actually thought they were going to pull out the win until Peyton got called for the intentional grounding and then the Chargers' backup running back caught the defense asleep a couple minutes later. It was sort of disheartening to see the whole team lose focus like that and let the perfect season get away from them.

Then it was interesting that I got to the hotel room last night just in time to see Rex Grossman come in at QB for the Bears and proceed to break the game open against Atlanta. Although he looked good, I don't really think they needed him last night. From watching the Falcons on television last night suffering in the near-zero temperatures at Soldier Field, I figured they just wanted to get the game over with and go someplace warm anyway.

And we got Tim home this weekend. Both a good and bad thing; good because it's nice to see him, and bad because the conflicts have already begun. In the immortal words of Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?"

Tookie No More

I read through the news on the web and noticed there seems to be quite a stir over the upcoming execution of Tookie Williams and the Terminator's refusal to grant clemency.

Obviously I know nothing about the guy or his crimes, although I glean from the articles about him that they were pretty grisly. But in this case, I'm not as focused on the individual case as the general topic.

There are lots of Hollywood types that have been agitating for clemency in this case. Based on recent history with actors getting political, that might be an argument against all by itself. But the stories raised a bunch of questions in my mind that aren't answered by any of the media coverage.

First question: One article states that Tookie is only the 12th person to be executed in California since 1977. Of the other 11, how many received the benefit of all this celebrity attention? If all did, then we can at least say that these celebrities are consistent in their anti-capital-punishment philosophy. But I don't really think so, because I don't recall anything recently about celebrities banding together to stop an execution.

Second question: Why get all over Arnold's case for letting the execution go forward? Like it or not, capital punishment is the law in California, and Tookie has had the benefit of the full range of appeals. No court has seen fit to overturn the verdict or the sentencing, which in arguably the most liberal state in the union you would have to think it's pretty safe to assume he's very guilty. Arnold would be violating his role as governor if he granted clemency for no reason other than a bunch of celebrities are pressuring him to do so. If Californians want to do away with capital punishment, they should vote for representatives who will do that; but don't trash your governator for doing his job.

Final question: Should a criminal's sentence be commuted, reduced or overturned if he turns his life around? The main reason being given for Tookie's clemency is that he's reformed, writing children's books and talking to kids about staying out of gangs. Some would question whether he's honestly reformed, or is just doing whatever he thinks might spare him from the needle. I remember the woman in Texas, Carla Tucker I think, that claimed to have become a born-again Christian and had a bunch of preachers lobbying the governor there to spare her life. He didn't.

The biggest fear seems to be that the blacks in LA will riot when Tookie's executed. They will certainly demonstrate. Such a sad situation.

Do I support capital punishment? Not to go against my church, but I think only if it's enforced immediately after sentencing. If there's any doubt or mitigating circumstances, the death penalty isn't an option anyway. The current system is ridiculous - how long has Tookie been on death row? 10 years? They should have taken him directly from the courtroom to the execution chamber and been done with it. If we're not willing to make justice swift, then what's the point?

BreakTime

Like someone on the outside looking in, I find it somewhat fascinating that this person behind the computer has chosen to blog while taking a break from what has been an incredibly busy work week.

It's official/unofficial: I'm running for President. Check out my other blog if you're interested in my new political party, platform, and campaign. Sign up there to join my "Dan for President" committee.

The past two weeks are a blur. It's like being on a playground spinner way too long so you no longer can tell which way is up and are so dizzy you feel like throwing up, but you can't get the stupid thing to stop spinning so you can get off. Yeah, that's how it feels.

An update on the assertiveness thing. So far so good, I think. Still learning though.

Having what is shaping up as a terrific month for business. Maybe the best ever. That's a good thing, because I need the cash. Wierd thing about it, right now I feel like I have the best stuff out there for small businesses, to the point where I honestly feel that anybody running a small business would be stupid NOT to talk to me and sign up for at least one or two of my offerings. It must be starting to show through when I talk to new prospects, because my close rate's going up.

Ah, weekend. I only wish I had more work done so I could enjoy it. Plus I've gotta drive back to Chicago on Sunday. Oh well, it just keeps spinning and spinning ....

Bad Things in Bunches

So if it wasn't bad enough to have the furnace go out last week and have to pay to have two of it's most expensive parts replaced to get heat back in the house, I had to endure another trial that almost stranded me in Chicago over the weekend.

Friday morning I checked out of the hotel and went to my vehicle ("Jed") in the hotel parking lot. I hadn't driven it anywhere in two days, as the night before I didn't feel like going out for dinner, and I was working in a building I could walk to by crossing a grassy median.

So my intention that chilly Friday morning was just to start up the car and drive it over to the parking lot of the building that houses my client. I didn't have to, but just thought it was better to move it than leave it in the hotel parking lot, since I had checked out. But I digress.

The engine turned over fine, but refused to start. I spent nearly a half hour trying, and the engine refused to come to life. Part of the reason I spent almost a half hour was that about 15 minutes into my futile attempt, the engine did start ever so briefly, but would not keep running and stalled after only a couple of seconds.

Since it was an icy morning, somewhere in the 'teens, I thought maybe it just needed a little sunshine to warm it up. So I walked over to the office to begin my workday, thinking that I'd return at lunchtime to try to coax Jed back to life.

Walked back to the car at noon, with the outside temperature a balmy 21 degrees, thinking surely it will start now. I was wrong. Tried about 20 minutes this time before giving up, and walked back to the office and looked up the nearest Lincoln/Mercury dealer. They expressed doubts that they could get the repair done the same day, but suggested that if I could get it towed to them before 2PM, they would give it their best shot.

So I called my insurance company's roadside assistance hotline for a tow, and they located a towing company that would commit to showing up within an hour. I met the truck in the parking lot when he arrived, and rode with him and Jed to the dealership.

Once I got Jed checked in and signed the paperwork for the tow truck driver, I settled into the dealer's customer lounge. Somebody had on Court TV, which is just about the last television channel I would have any interest in, and unfortunately I hadn't brought a book along this trip. So it was a long afternoon for me with nothing to do but look at the cars in the showroom and try to ignore the endless analysis from talking heads on Court TV about whatever case they were following.

Finally, sometime after 5PM Chicago time, the service advisor gives me the bad news. Indeed, the fuel pump has failed. Not only that, but it resides inside the gas tank. So this is going to be not only an expensive repair, but there is no hope of getting Jed and driving home that night.

But there was an Enterprise Car Rental outlet there at the dealership, and for the first decent news of the day, I got a great weekend rate. In fact, the cost of the weekend car rental was going to be less than the mileage I would have charged the client, who by the way had decided they needed me back on Monday.

So by the time I got the car rented and pulled out of the lot, it was well past dark and too late to face the long drive home. So I decided to spend the weekend in Goshen.

Now, despite the expense and inconvenience of losing Jed for the weekend, things didn't turn out all that badly. I have Jed back and am busy working again at the client's office, and they have decided to extend me even further. That's a good thing, because the extension should cover the repairs and then some.

But enough adventure for me. Here's hoping that we're done with the big ticket repairs for now.

Introspection

Who said, "Tough times require tough people"?

Did anybody say that, or did I just make it up? Regardless, it seems appropriate to my current circumstances.

I can feel victimized and blame others for how they disappoint me. How they take advantage of me. How they discard my opinions and feelings out of hand. How they disrespect me. How I'm only important to them when I have something they want.

Or I can stand up and fight back.

Why is that so difficult for me? I've been giving that a lot of thought lately, and right now my conclusion is this:

It's extremely difficult for me to stand firm and fight others because I don't want to hurt them. And in the cases I'm facing today, the truth hurts like a pound of kidney stones. (That's my frame of reference as the most painful experience I've had in my life to date)

Some might suggest that they don't seem to care that what they are doing is hurting me, so why should I worry so much about hurting them? I suppose the answer is because I know firsthand how it feels to be mistreated, and don't want to cause anybody else to suffer that from me.

But I'm not really talking about "mistreating" anyone at all, but simply taking a firm stand that I should have done a long time ago. That action is certain to make those I stand firm against angry. But just maybe, if I do it the right way, it will also demand respect. On the other hand, it could also result in absolute isolation and alienation for me.

All I know is I can't continue being a doormat. I've been able to avoid it, ignore it, push it aside in the past, but now there's a giant elephant standing on my figurative mat and I have to use every ounce of strength to push it off, so i can pick myself off the ground and walk ahead.

Here goes ...