Oh to be Young and in Love

There's no explaining how much I'm enjoying the observation of my boys as they begin to discover the joys and pains of "love". Now aside from Nick's blog and what Tim occasionally lets slip, I can't claim to be very well tuned into the trials and tribulations of their respective dating lives, but what little I can pick up warms me inside with fond memories of younger days long past. Even Chris, just rising to the eighth grade, has begun to notice those unfathomable creatures known as girls.

I used to hope they would confide in me and ask my advice, but that's a foolish notion. What could ol' Dad know about such things? They might be surprised.

Times do seem to have changed since I came of age in the 70's. My whole approach at the time was to try to date lots of different women without getting too involved too quickly with any single one. That happened for two basic reasons: First, most of my friends had similar attitudes, except perhaps those who had trouble finding a date. Second, my very first girlfriend broke my heart, and I didn't want to go through that kind of pain again.

So for awhile I was a sort of serial dater. These days a young reader might read into that statement an assumption that I was, umm, having "carnal knowledge" of each of my serial dates. That would not be accurate. In fact, there were a couple of cases where the girl I happened to be with on a first date "came on" way too strong, and I would simply end it then and there. Not to suggest I was pure as the driven snow in those days, but I at least had some standards and restraint (though as a parent today, I would look back and say I wasn't nearly restrained enough).

Is there any tidbit of advice I could give to my sons and their peers today about the whole pursuit of the perfect woman?

Just this:
First get it through your skull - there is no "soulmate", no perfect match, no woman who will "complete you", and no "happily ever after". If you are expecting a woman to take responsibility for your happiness, you're already doomed. No wonder we've got such a high divorce rate, because those are completely unrealistic ideals.

Compatibility is what you seek. It's the only thing that gives a relationship a chance. Take it from me, if you find great chemistry with a woman, that chemistry by itself does not a relationship sustain. Not that it isn't a good start, but there also must be shared values, beliefs and philosophies, and the two of you find yourselves "on the same page" when it comes to the important things - lifestyle, children, faith and religion, etc.

Don't be in a hurry to settle. Lots of people begin to view things as a version of musical chairs, fearing that if they wait too long to choose a mate, the music will stop and they'll be left standing alone with everyone else paired up. I've known far too many people like that personally, and their marriages are all disastrous. Be patient and wait not only for the right match, but wait until you've had enough life experience to know more about who you are and what you want from life. Then it will be easier to find a partner with whom you can share, while willing to help her realize what she's looking for as well.

Have fun! I think this is the most important message. I had a wonderful time with many of the girls I dated, and don't regret a moment (or maybe I regret a couple of moments, hmmm). Rather than obsessing over the Miss-amour-du-jour, whether she's right for you, how she really feels, is she cheating on you, and all that unnecessary angst, just have fun and enjoy her company. Focus dating on the one you are with at the moment, and make it your mission while together to find out as much about her as you possibly can. Find her funny stories, share experiences, stay positive, abandon all moodiness or manupulative emotion, and just have fun!

Oh yeah, and be sure to share your stories with Dad - he gets a big kick out of them!