There's no explaining how much I'm enjoying the observation of my boys as they begin to discover the joys and pains of "love". Now aside from Nick's blog and what Tim occasionally lets slip, I can't claim to be very well tuned into the trials and tribulations of their respective dating lives, but what little I can pick up warms me inside with fond memories of younger days long past. Even Chris, just rising to the eighth grade, has begun to notice those unfathomable creatures known as girls.
I used to hope they would confide in me and ask my advice, but that's a foolish notion. What could ol' Dad know about such things? They might be surprised.
Times do seem to have changed since I came of age in the 70's. My whole approach at the time was to try to date lots of different women without getting too involved too quickly with any single one. That happened for two basic reasons: First, most of my friends had similar attitudes, except perhaps those who had trouble finding a date. Second, my very first girlfriend broke my heart, and I didn't want to go through that kind of pain again.
So for awhile I was a sort of serial dater. These days a young reader might read into that statement an assumption that I was, umm, having "carnal knowledge" of each of my serial dates. That would not be accurate. In fact, there were a couple of cases where the girl I happened to be with on a first date "came on" way too strong, and I would simply end it then and there. Not to suggest I was pure as the driven snow in those days, but I at least had some standards and restraint (though as a parent today, I would look back and say I wasn't nearly restrained enough).
Is there any tidbit of advice I could give to my sons and their peers today about the whole pursuit of the perfect woman?
Just this:
First get it through your skull - there is no "soulmate", no perfect match, no woman who will "complete you", and no "happily ever after". If you are expecting a woman to take responsibility for your happiness, you're already doomed. No wonder we've got such a high divorce rate, because those are completely unrealistic ideals.
Compatibility is what you seek. It's the only thing that gives a relationship a chance. Take it from me, if you find great chemistry with a woman, that chemistry by itself does not a relationship sustain. Not that it isn't a good start, but there also must be shared values, beliefs and philosophies, and the two of you find yourselves "on the same page" when it comes to the important things - lifestyle, children, faith and religion, etc.
Don't be in a hurry to settle. Lots of people begin to view things as a version of musical chairs, fearing that if they wait too long to choose a mate, the music will stop and they'll be left standing alone with everyone else paired up. I've known far too many people like that personally, and their marriages are all disastrous. Be patient and wait not only for the right match, but wait until you've had enough life experience to know more about who you are and what you want from life. Then it will be easier to find a partner with whom you can share, while willing to help her realize what she's looking for as well.
Have fun! I think this is the most important message. I had a wonderful time with many of the girls I dated, and don't regret a moment (or maybe I regret a couple of moments, hmmm). Rather than obsessing over the Miss-amour-du-jour, whether she's right for you, how she really feels, is she cheating on you, and all that unnecessary angst, just have fun and enjoy her company. Focus dating on the one you are with at the moment, and make it your mission while together to find out as much about her as you possibly can. Find her funny stories, share experiences, stay positive, abandon all moodiness or manupulative emotion, and just have fun!
Oh yeah, and be sure to share your stories with Dad - he gets a big kick out of them!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Monday full of Hope
After a headache weekend, the new week started off on a hopeful foot. Again, I can't get in to any details whatsoever, but there have been positive events in my case that give hope.
It's frustrating on the other hand that the company I'm contracting through has reorganized once again, and lost my invoices adding up to a pretty significant amount. So to get paid, I basically have to recreate all the paperwork and rebill them, all because they decided they didn't need the clerical person that was handling billings from contractors like myself. So nobody took over the job function. It reminds me of why I quit them in the first place - the company is just incompetent. I hear they're planning to go public, and I for one will not be investing.
But what's really trying the hardest to break down my hopeful mood is the idiot Supreme Court. They just ruled that the Ten Commandments must be removed from courthouses across the country. What Constitutional principle do they cite? A non-existent one they like to call a "wall of separation between church and state". Not only is that nowhere in the constitution, but it was even taken out of context from an old letter written by Thomas Jefferson.
So has anybody ever taken even a basic class that studies Law? Does anybody remember where our legal system came from? That's right, the Judeo-Christian philosophy, which has at it's core the Ten Commandments! Has anybody else studied American history? Can any reasonable unedited reading of history find any desire by the founding fathers to remove all references to Christianity from public discourse? Absolutely the opposite.
The founders were for the opposite of what these judges are espousing - freedom of religion. The intended freedom was that the government could not take a single brand of Christianity, for example, Methodism, and then tell everyone, "You are now a Methodist, and 10% of your earnings will be deducted every week and given to the government-run American Methodist Church". They were overwhelmingly faithful Christians themselves, and clearly stated the primacy of God over this young nation.
Not to mention that the court just decided that Eminent Domain can be exercised by local governments for any purpose they deem proper. So now we no longer have any protection from our government taking our property at will for any purpose they dream up, as long as they do it under "Eminent Domain". It means that the government can walk up and evict you from your home simply because they or someone influencing (say, "bribing") them finds it desirable.
Do average people really support these rulings? How can anyone with half a brain argue that either of these rulings are appropriate? Small wonder the greatest battle of our time will be over who gets appointed to that court over the next 5-10 years.
Oops, looks like I got carried away again. Hope is still present despite stupid courts, corrupt politicians, incompetent companies, uneducated morons, evil drug dealers and child abusers, etc. As long as a few decent and intelligent people remain, there is hope.
It's frustrating on the other hand that the company I'm contracting through has reorganized once again, and lost my invoices adding up to a pretty significant amount. So to get paid, I basically have to recreate all the paperwork and rebill them, all because they decided they didn't need the clerical person that was handling billings from contractors like myself. So nobody took over the job function. It reminds me of why I quit them in the first place - the company is just incompetent. I hear they're planning to go public, and I for one will not be investing.
But what's really trying the hardest to break down my hopeful mood is the idiot Supreme Court. They just ruled that the Ten Commandments must be removed from courthouses across the country. What Constitutional principle do they cite? A non-existent one they like to call a "wall of separation between church and state". Not only is that nowhere in the constitution, but it was even taken out of context from an old letter written by Thomas Jefferson.
So has anybody ever taken even a basic class that studies Law? Does anybody remember where our legal system came from? That's right, the Judeo-Christian philosophy, which has at it's core the Ten Commandments! Has anybody else studied American history? Can any reasonable unedited reading of history find any desire by the founding fathers to remove all references to Christianity from public discourse? Absolutely the opposite.
The founders were for the opposite of what these judges are espousing - freedom of religion. The intended freedom was that the government could not take a single brand of Christianity, for example, Methodism, and then tell everyone, "You are now a Methodist, and 10% of your earnings will be deducted every week and given to the government-run American Methodist Church". They were overwhelmingly faithful Christians themselves, and clearly stated the primacy of God over this young nation.
Not to mention that the court just decided that Eminent Domain can be exercised by local governments for any purpose they deem proper. So now we no longer have any protection from our government taking our property at will for any purpose they dream up, as long as they do it under "Eminent Domain". It means that the government can walk up and evict you from your home simply because they or someone influencing (say, "bribing") them finds it desirable.
Do average people really support these rulings? How can anyone with half a brain argue that either of these rulings are appropriate? Small wonder the greatest battle of our time will be over who gets appointed to that court over the next 5-10 years.
Oops, looks like I got carried away again. Hope is still present despite stupid courts, corrupt politicians, incompetent companies, uneducated morons, evil drug dealers and child abusers, etc. As long as a few decent and intelligent people remain, there is hope.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Life is a Game of Telephone
Yes, that's it. I have figured it out. Life is basically just a gigantic game of telephone.
At least that's what we called the game when I was a kid. Did you ever play?
The game starts with person #1, who receives a message. They whisper the message to person #2. Person #2 whispers it to person #3, and so on, and so on, until it gets to the last person in the group. The bigger the group the more fun the game, because when all the whispering is over, the last person to get the message is asked to tell everyone what it was.
And of course, by the time it gets to the last person in the group, the message is nearly unrecognizable from the original. Therefore my discovery, that life is just a series of games of telephone.
Today I had an easy week, with only 2 days at my client and a couple of days free. Or I thought they would be free. Until I got back into the office and started receiving a flurry of emails and phone calls from different people in the company I'm working with. Everyone's in varying stages of concern, anger, panic, and lots of other emotions because of their perception of a new problem that popped up.
It was a problem, no question about it. And one that needs to be addressed quickly, for sure. But there's a great cyclone of activity around the emergence of this problem that demonstrates my telephone thesis wonderfully. It is a very manageable problem that can and will be resolved quickly. But almost everybody involved has a different perception about the problem, including who, what, where, when, and why.
Somebody thought somebody else was in charge of this thing. Another person believed that there was no problem at all, that this particular thing was working exactly as it should. The person responsible for fixing the problem had an emergency and can't fix it, which panicked two or three other people, who became chicken littles and ran around telling everyone "The sky is falling!". Everybody else is suddenly occupied in CYA and finger-pointing activities, because they're panicked that they will lose the game of musical chairs this great game of telephone has suggested. Last person to speak is left standing to take all the blame.
And guess who gets to calm everyone down, figure out exactly what the problem is, and see to it getting fixed. Me, of course. Partly because I foolishly thought I could get a couple of days free from the place and things could move along smoothly without me, just until Monday. When will I learn?
Sort of reminds me of the country right now. Kind of the same game of telephone, with one phone colored red and the other blue. Everybody's picked their favorite color and only listens to that phone, which of course conveys messages nearly opposite those of the opposing colored phone. By the time the listener gets the message on their blue or red phone, it's been filtered and interpreted and spun beyond recognition from the actual story. Want truth? Find somebody who's rejected both phones and is finding the truth on his own. But of course, nobody wants to hear what this wiser person has to say, because his message doesn't square with that of their red or blue phone.
I believe that today's beautiful sunny day could be called stormy and raining by, say, the blue telephone people, and everyone listening to the blue telephone would take it as gospel fact. They wouldn't even bother going outside to see for themselves; why if the blue telephone says it's raining, then it's raining. If someone with a red telephone says "It's not raining, it's sunny!", that person would be labeled an evil liar, because isn't everyone with a red telephone an evil liar? If someone with no telephone just looks outside and says "It's not raining, it's sunny!", well, that one's just a crackpot, never mind what he says.
I also believe that our education system is mostly about handing out the blue telephones to every student. "Don't try to figure things out for yourselves, just listen to the blue telephone because it's always right" is the message of our secondary schools and universities. "And if you see anybody with a red telephone, do everything in your power to destroy it before it destroys us!". Red telephones are banned, especially in the universities, and students too willing to brandish their red phones in public are subject to harrassment and possible expulsion.
Just check out today's biggest news stories, and if you're willing for just a moment to hang up your red or blue telephone and take a look outside (or inside your brain, if you have one), maybe, just maybe, you'll understand what I'm talking about.
At least that's what we called the game when I was a kid. Did you ever play?
The game starts with person #1, who receives a message. They whisper the message to person #2. Person #2 whispers it to person #3, and so on, and so on, until it gets to the last person in the group. The bigger the group the more fun the game, because when all the whispering is over, the last person to get the message is asked to tell everyone what it was.
And of course, by the time it gets to the last person in the group, the message is nearly unrecognizable from the original. Therefore my discovery, that life is just a series of games of telephone.
Today I had an easy week, with only 2 days at my client and a couple of days free. Or I thought they would be free. Until I got back into the office and started receiving a flurry of emails and phone calls from different people in the company I'm working with. Everyone's in varying stages of concern, anger, panic, and lots of other emotions because of their perception of a new problem that popped up.
It was a problem, no question about it. And one that needs to be addressed quickly, for sure. But there's a great cyclone of activity around the emergence of this problem that demonstrates my telephone thesis wonderfully. It is a very manageable problem that can and will be resolved quickly. But almost everybody involved has a different perception about the problem, including who, what, where, when, and why.
Somebody thought somebody else was in charge of this thing. Another person believed that there was no problem at all, that this particular thing was working exactly as it should. The person responsible for fixing the problem had an emergency and can't fix it, which panicked two or three other people, who became chicken littles and ran around telling everyone "The sky is falling!". Everybody else is suddenly occupied in CYA and finger-pointing activities, because they're panicked that they will lose the game of musical chairs this great game of telephone has suggested. Last person to speak is left standing to take all the blame.
And guess who gets to calm everyone down, figure out exactly what the problem is, and see to it getting fixed. Me, of course. Partly because I foolishly thought I could get a couple of days free from the place and things could move along smoothly without me, just until Monday. When will I learn?
Sort of reminds me of the country right now. Kind of the same game of telephone, with one phone colored red and the other blue. Everybody's picked their favorite color and only listens to that phone, which of course conveys messages nearly opposite those of the opposing colored phone. By the time the listener gets the message on their blue or red phone, it's been filtered and interpreted and spun beyond recognition from the actual story. Want truth? Find somebody who's rejected both phones and is finding the truth on his own. But of course, nobody wants to hear what this wiser person has to say, because his message doesn't square with that of their red or blue phone.
I believe that today's beautiful sunny day could be called stormy and raining by, say, the blue telephone people, and everyone listening to the blue telephone would take it as gospel fact. They wouldn't even bother going outside to see for themselves; why if the blue telephone says it's raining, then it's raining. If someone with a red telephone says "It's not raining, it's sunny!", that person would be labeled an evil liar, because isn't everyone with a red telephone an evil liar? If someone with no telephone just looks outside and says "It's not raining, it's sunny!", well, that one's just a crackpot, never mind what he says.
I also believe that our education system is mostly about handing out the blue telephones to every student. "Don't try to figure things out for yourselves, just listen to the blue telephone because it's always right" is the message of our secondary schools and universities. "And if you see anybody with a red telephone, do everything in your power to destroy it before it destroys us!". Red telephones are banned, especially in the universities, and students too willing to brandish their red phones in public are subject to harrassment and possible expulsion.
Just check out today's biggest news stories, and if you're willing for just a moment to hang up your red or blue telephone and take a look outside (or inside your brain, if you have one), maybe, just maybe, you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Story Time
It has been quite awhile since the post with the story of my vivid dream and the hint that there might be another story. Maybe today's a good day to tell that other story.
This is a much more recent story about another dream. It was very different from the first dream, which just involved me and my unique experience with issues of life, death, and whether there is anything on the other side. On the other hand, after writing that last sentence, maybe it is more similar than different.
Anyway, it's hard to believe all this happened over a year ago. It seems like yesterday. My mother had been battling illness for a year or more, spending most of the previous 6 months between hospitals and rehabilitation centers.
She had gathered just enough strength recently to decide with Dad that it was time to return home to northern Indiana from Florida. She was escorted to the plane in Florida by Dad and my sister and brother-in-law for the trip to Indianapolis, where I met her and took her home.
Seeing her in the Indy airport approaching in the wheelchair, I was suddenly struck by how frail and sickly she looked. Maybe I had been in denial, but it didn't really hit me just how much her health had declined until I saw her being wheeled out from the concourse.
Chris and I took her home and cared for her as best we could until Dad arrived by car. Even though she was terribly weak and required near-constant care, I knew Mom was happy to be home. Chris and I then returned to our home in southern Indiana, promising to return to visit whenever we could.
Mom was able to stay home with Dad's care for perhaps a couple of weeks, before she took a turn for the worse and had to be hospitalized. The pattern continued that had been building over the past several months; she got stabilized in the hospital and seemed to be gradually improving in strength, then sent to a rehabilitation center to get the physical therapy she needed to hopefully allow her to return home again.
I drove north to visit her again in the rehab center, which was a poorly run facility that neglected Mom terribly. If it hadn't been for Dad's regular presence and pressure on the staff to do their jobs, the poor treatment itself in that facility alone might have hastened her passing. Places like that should be shut down - but that's getting off the subject.
During that visit at the rehab center, I arrived to find my parents in the physical therapy room. Mom was trying mightily to walk with only the aid of one of those aluminum walkers. She was too weak. My heart broke as she began to cry and apologize to me for being unable to do her walking exercises. But I did my best to hide my emotions and tried to be positive and supportive, telling her she just needed a little more time to get stronger.
Returning home again, I privately began to prepare myself for what was beginning to look like a real possibility for the first time - losing my mother. But, I buried myself in work and tried to proceed with life as usual.
Then it was a lazy Sunday afternoon. We were home, and there wasn't anything special going on, so I indulged in a nap. And dreamed.
Of course, it is common to dream when napping, perhaps even more than during nightly sleep. But this afternoon brought a truly unique dream. If the dream was generated by my own sub-conscious brain, I am very impressed by my brain's prescience, wisdom and compassion.
The dream started with me walking into the Intensive Care ward at the Goshen Hospital. I've been there before, so I recognized the floor. I walked over to my mother's room there, which was the last room along the wall to the left of the nurse's station. In the Intensive Care ward, glass sliding doors are used to give the staff visibility to the patients in the ward, with curtains used when privacy is needed.
Looking in, I saw my mother in the bed, surrounded by my dad, sister, uncle (her brother), and her nurse. She didn't look good, and those around her bed were somber. The door was closed, and noone looked up to see me or let me in, which upset me.
Then my mother turned her head and recognized me from her hospital bed. She smiled, and began to sit up, slowly and painfully. Somehow she was able to rise from her bed and walk over to me at the sliding glass doors completely unnoticed by the family members and nurse still gathered around.
She reached for me, and grabbed my hands in both of hers, somehow through the closed glass door, pulling me closer. She adjusted her hold and I felt her warm hands grasp my forearms while I held hers. She spoke to me with a smile, and a rush of emotions welled up in me of a mix of love, sadness, lonelinesss, and hope.
Suddenly she release me and transformed into a little girl of maybe 9 or 10 years old. She had her suddenly long, dark brown hair tied back into a pony tail, and her freckles became more prominent across her nose. She began laughing and joyfully skipping around the hospital room.
I awoke then, and was immediately worried that I could not recall the words she spoke to me in the dream. But I took two things from the experience; first, that my mother would die soon, and second, that she would be much more than OK.
About two weeks later, I was at her bedside as she passed away in the last room along the left wall in Intensive Care, along with my father, sister, uncle, and nurse (the same nurse from my dream). My other sister was missing from the scene, as in the dream, because she and her husband were out of the country in Peru.
Understand that, at the time of my dream, my mother was not in Intensive Care, I had never met the nurse, had not seen my uncle in several years, and could not explain why my other sister was not present.
Scientific or psychological explanations for this particular dream are fine. Maybe someone could even convince me somehow that there's a good explanation for the accuracy of my dream, it doesn't matter. Whatever the source, it brought me a great deal of comfort during a very difficult time. I have confidence that for my mother at least, heaven is returning to herself as a small child, able to run and jump and skip without a care, and especially without pain. And for that, I am grateful.
This is a much more recent story about another dream. It was very different from the first dream, which just involved me and my unique experience with issues of life, death, and whether there is anything on the other side. On the other hand, after writing that last sentence, maybe it is more similar than different.
Anyway, it's hard to believe all this happened over a year ago. It seems like yesterday. My mother had been battling illness for a year or more, spending most of the previous 6 months between hospitals and rehabilitation centers.
She had gathered just enough strength recently to decide with Dad that it was time to return home to northern Indiana from Florida. She was escorted to the plane in Florida by Dad and my sister and brother-in-law for the trip to Indianapolis, where I met her and took her home.
Seeing her in the Indy airport approaching in the wheelchair, I was suddenly struck by how frail and sickly she looked. Maybe I had been in denial, but it didn't really hit me just how much her health had declined until I saw her being wheeled out from the concourse.
Chris and I took her home and cared for her as best we could until Dad arrived by car. Even though she was terribly weak and required near-constant care, I knew Mom was happy to be home. Chris and I then returned to our home in southern Indiana, promising to return to visit whenever we could.
Mom was able to stay home with Dad's care for perhaps a couple of weeks, before she took a turn for the worse and had to be hospitalized. The pattern continued that had been building over the past several months; she got stabilized in the hospital and seemed to be gradually improving in strength, then sent to a rehabilitation center to get the physical therapy she needed to hopefully allow her to return home again.
I drove north to visit her again in the rehab center, which was a poorly run facility that neglected Mom terribly. If it hadn't been for Dad's regular presence and pressure on the staff to do their jobs, the poor treatment itself in that facility alone might have hastened her passing. Places like that should be shut down - but that's getting off the subject.
During that visit at the rehab center, I arrived to find my parents in the physical therapy room. Mom was trying mightily to walk with only the aid of one of those aluminum walkers. She was too weak. My heart broke as she began to cry and apologize to me for being unable to do her walking exercises. But I did my best to hide my emotions and tried to be positive and supportive, telling her she just needed a little more time to get stronger.
Returning home again, I privately began to prepare myself for what was beginning to look like a real possibility for the first time - losing my mother. But, I buried myself in work and tried to proceed with life as usual.
Then it was a lazy Sunday afternoon. We were home, and there wasn't anything special going on, so I indulged in a nap. And dreamed.
Of course, it is common to dream when napping, perhaps even more than during nightly sleep. But this afternoon brought a truly unique dream. If the dream was generated by my own sub-conscious brain, I am very impressed by my brain's prescience, wisdom and compassion.
The dream started with me walking into the Intensive Care ward at the Goshen Hospital. I've been there before, so I recognized the floor. I walked over to my mother's room there, which was the last room along the wall to the left of the nurse's station. In the Intensive Care ward, glass sliding doors are used to give the staff visibility to the patients in the ward, with curtains used when privacy is needed.
Looking in, I saw my mother in the bed, surrounded by my dad, sister, uncle (her brother), and her nurse. She didn't look good, and those around her bed were somber. The door was closed, and noone looked up to see me or let me in, which upset me.
Then my mother turned her head and recognized me from her hospital bed. She smiled, and began to sit up, slowly and painfully. Somehow she was able to rise from her bed and walk over to me at the sliding glass doors completely unnoticed by the family members and nurse still gathered around.
She reached for me, and grabbed my hands in both of hers, somehow through the closed glass door, pulling me closer. She adjusted her hold and I felt her warm hands grasp my forearms while I held hers. She spoke to me with a smile, and a rush of emotions welled up in me of a mix of love, sadness, lonelinesss, and hope.
Suddenly she release me and transformed into a little girl of maybe 9 or 10 years old. She had her suddenly long, dark brown hair tied back into a pony tail, and her freckles became more prominent across her nose. She began laughing and joyfully skipping around the hospital room.
I awoke then, and was immediately worried that I could not recall the words she spoke to me in the dream. But I took two things from the experience; first, that my mother would die soon, and second, that she would be much more than OK.
About two weeks later, I was at her bedside as she passed away in the last room along the left wall in Intensive Care, along with my father, sister, uncle, and nurse (the same nurse from my dream). My other sister was missing from the scene, as in the dream, because she and her husband were out of the country in Peru.
Understand that, at the time of my dream, my mother was not in Intensive Care, I had never met the nurse, had not seen my uncle in several years, and could not explain why my other sister was not present.
Scientific or psychological explanations for this particular dream are fine. Maybe someone could even convince me somehow that there's a good explanation for the accuracy of my dream, it doesn't matter. Whatever the source, it brought me a great deal of comfort during a very difficult time. I have confidence that for my mother at least, heaven is returning to herself as a small child, able to run and jump and skip without a care, and especially without pain. And for that, I am grateful.
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