To Be Honest,

People who routinely use that preamble to their statements drive me a little nuts.

Whenever I hear that, or the many variations on the same theme, I think, "What, you mean you haven't been honest with me before?".

The actual definition of this, and similar phrases like "To tell you the truth", "The truth is", "If I may be honest", or "Let me be straight", goes something like this:

"You may not agree with what I'm about to say, but ..."

Now if people actually used that translation, I could respect that much more.

Then there are variants, like "I won't lie", "I'm not gonna lie", "If you want to know the truth", "The honest truth". These seem to be the same, but I've noticed a subtle difference in their meaning. The translation of this variation is something like this:

"You're probably going to be disappointed or offended by what I'm about to say, but I'll say it anyway."

This variation is actually somewhat worse than the first, because it's a stronger wording that carries with it a certain insensitivity, condescension, and disregard for the feelings of the receiver. It's akin to telling them that you know what you're going to say might hurt them, but you really don't care.

Now an example of this manner of speech can be found in the words of Jesus throughout the New Testament. Jesus seemed to like the preface that is variously translated as, "Amen, Amen, I say to you", "Verily I say to you", and "Truly I say to you".

Clearly, his intent is somewhat different from the two previous examples. Jesus used this preface as a way to say, "Pay attention! What I'm about to say is important."

Overall, I would prefer people say what they mean and mean what they say. As a rule, I would suggest it is best to say "Listen to this", or "I've got something important to say", when you want to make sure somebody hears and understands you.

Say "I have a different take on that", or "Here's my opinion on that" when you are about to express an opinion that might be controversial. It's OK to disagree respectfully when it comes to deeply held beliefs.

Don't say anything if you're tempted to say something offensive. If you must disappoint someone, rather than the condescending "I'm not gonna lie", simply say something like, "Thanks very much for your invitation, but I will not be able to attend".

People will continue using these phrases, and I'll continue cringing inside when they do. But I wish they could learn from this.